The Third Man

Post-Ranger Careers: Were the Power Rangers as successful as Chuck Norris?

Not to sound like an old coot, but really, my generation’s iteration of the Power Rangers were the best. Come on, Time Force, Wild Force, Ninja Storm? WTF? All those new versions with titles that sound bad heavy metal bands were pretty fucking lame. I pity those kids who grew up not knowing how insanely cool Mighty Morphin’ was. Remember the kickass theme song? What Gen-Xer doesn’t know how to hum the Dragonzord flute tune? (If they claim not to know, they’re either lying or had no childhood.) Guys used to crush on Kimberly and wanna be Tommy. I still own and treasure my Goldar and Megazord toys.

Probably on hindsight, MMPR wasn’t really as good as I remember it to be. Well whatever, nostalgia is the beer-goggles of television taste so I think I get a pass. The orginal Power Rangers series ended nearly 15 years ago and I’m sure all of you must be wondering, Hey, what ever happened to those actors we knew and loved? Because I’m assuming you all have no life like me and are instead preoccupied with nerd thoughts such as this. So I did a little research and came up with the 411 on our old alien fighting buddies from Angel Grove High. You know how they say some people just peak way too early? Yeah…

The White/Green Ranger (Tommy Oliver) - Jason David Frank

Jason David Frank wasn’t actually an original cast member but he has since become the most recognizable Power Ranger to overgrown geeks worldwide. He’s appeared in over 240 episodes and is the only old-school cast member to still be on the show today. Last seen as Dr. Tommy Oliver, renowned paleontologist (seriously?) and mentor to the new crop of Power Rangers in Power Rangers: Dino Thunder, Jason David Frank has made a steady living out of wearing brightly coloured armor.

After his Mighty Morphin stint, Jason went on to guest star in a multi-episode arc in the acclaimed television series (not really) Sweet Valley High, playing a character named named AJ, which I can only assume stands for A Joke. Jason’s big break (also, not really) came when he starred in the straight-to-DVD movie biopic of John Stewart. No, not that Jon Stewart. The John Stewart with a H. He was a famous stuntman. Apparently.

Still, Jason David Frank is not to be messed with in real life. Jason seems to take the time in every interview to remind people that he is a 6th degree karate black belt and also owns and operates a number of karate schools. Sounding more and more like his delusional and similarly ponytailed idol Steven Seagal everyday, Jason believes he can really fight, and not just aliens or the affections of throngs of prepubescent schoolgirls. Jason has ambitions to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). Though he’s not ready for the UFC just yet, Jason is preparing for his first MMA fight under the tutelage of Melvin Guillard. Yes the same Melvin Guillard from The Ultimate Fighter Season Two who couldn’t shut up and wound up being a heroin junkie. Good luck with your training there Jason.

As mentioned Jason owns four karate schools under Rising Sun Karate, including the school Red Dragon Karate where he initially started his training. Jason trains in a martial arts style developed by his brother (no, really) called Toso Kune Do, which sounds suspiciously like something that appeared in scrawlers in UFCs 1-10 under the names of fighters who would subsequently not be able to stand for several days without medical assistance.

The Pink Ranger (Kimberly Hart) - Amy Jo Johnson

Ah, Kimberly. I do believe my very first celebrity crush was on you. Amy Jo Johnson has made the most successful foray in post-Ranger life out of all. This is because she’s actually talented…and is smoking hot. Amy landed sweet guest starring gigs in big shows like ER, Spin City and Saved by the Bell before finally being cast by JJ Abrams as Felicity’s best friend in the eponymously-titled WB series, Felicity. Of course Felicity, much like the Samson of Greek mythology, lost its mojo after Keri Russell cut her hair and the show ended shortly thereafter.

Amy then went on to star in a bunch of indie movies and short-lived television series before being cast by JJ Abrams again in What About Brian? What About Brian? was a pretty good show, hell even I liked it, but sadly the show was cancelled after only one season. Amy Jo Johnson also pursued a musical career and formed a band, creatively named, The Amy Jo Johnson band.

Amy currently stars as Jules Callahan, a member of the Strategic Response Unit of the Toronto Police service, in a hit Canadian cop show called Flashpoint. The show received 19 nominations in something called the Gemini Awards, including Best Performance by an Actress in a Continuing Leading Dramatic Role. The Gemini Awards are like the Canadian Emmys I think, which is to say, its worth less than the Emmys, which is also to say, the awards are best used as a paperweights.

The Red Ranger (Jason Lee Scott) - Austin St. John

Poor Austin St. John. After he hung up his red tights, rumor has it that he went into gay porn. This is because there is a gay porn actor also named Austin St. John. And also, if you’re named Austin St. John, your parents probably destined you to be in gay porn. Alas after careful research, the gay pornstar Austin St. John is a totally different dude. Oh wells.

After Power Rangers, Austin went on to make an instructional video entitled “Austin St. John’s Martial Arts Video.” Apparently he shares the same flair for naming things as Amy Jo Johnson. Unlike Jason David Frank, Austin is an expert in legitmate martial arts, holding black belts in Tae Kwon Do, Karate and Judo. Thankfully though, he has no plans to pursue a career in the octagon.

Since his Power Rangers role ended Austin has moved on to play a variety of diverse and challenging roles…such as reprising his role as The Red Ranger in Power Rangers: Zeo and Power Rangers: Wild Force. Way to milk a dead cow Austin. But in all seriousness, all credit to this guy, he now works as a paramedic and is a real life hero.

The Black Ranger (Zack Taylor) - Walter Jones

Yeah…the black ranger was played by a black dude. Well done Saban, you guys really shouldn’t take things so literally (see Yellow Ranger entry below also). Anyways, Walter went on to land a pretty major role (relatively) as gangster Rondell Robinson in The Shield. Besides that Walter has been fortunate enough to play memorable roles such as “Street Racer #1” in CSI and “Locker Zombie #1” in House of the Dead 2. I mean who can forget his unforgettable performance as “Barber Customer #3” in the Spike Lee classic, Malcolm X? He sure stole the show from Denzel Washington didn’t he.

In 2000, Walter was the leading man in a movie called “Backyard Kings” which received the honor of being the lowest rated movie on IMDb for a record 7 whole years. In 2004, Walter was crowned the Mayan Salsa Dancing Champion, which I think, is his greatest achievement. More recently though, Walter made headlines when he was arrested for drunk driving in July this year. How the salsa dancing community views this transgression and what impact is has on his burgeoning salsa dancing career remains to be seen.

The Yellow Ranger (Trini Kwan) - Thuy Trang

Yeah, of course the Asian girl is the Yellow Ranger. Of course. Things could only have gotten more offensive if the Red Ranger was played by a Native American. She would go on to land minor roles in The Crow sequel and Spy Hard. Thuy was hilarious miscredited as “massausse” in Spy Hard when she in fact played a “manicurist.” Come on, how did they mix-up such a vital character!? It’s a little known fact that Thuy appeared in an advertisement for Scientology although she was a Buddhist. Did you know that? I certainly didn’t…until I started researching this for this write-up! (-.-)

Thuy Trang was tragically killed in a car accident in 2001. RIP Thuy.

The Blue Ranger (Billy Cranston) - David Yost

Wow it was really hard to find any information on David Yost. This dude really hasn’t done anything much. However, David did go on to become an associate producer on Tempation Island! Rock on David. You must’ve had fun casting that thing.

David also performed in a play once called Fallen Guardian Angels to raise funds for A.I.D.S. Project Los Angeles. All proceeds from the play went to The Children’s Hospitals AIDS Center. The play managed to raise $25,000, which is pretty awesome. Much respect for this.

5 Reasons Why Sharks Are Awesome

I live every week like its Shark Week. But since it really is Shark Week, I have decided to commemorate by telling you 5 reasons why sharks are awesome.

#1 Sharks provide fodder for hilariously bad movies with hilariously bad CGI.
Shark Attack 3: Megladon.

#2 Sharks explode when you spray them 
Just ask Batman.

#3 Sharks provide for great metaphors
Fonzie jumping the shark.

#4 Sharks are acrobatic
Look ma, no hands!

#5 Shark-fin soup is delicious
Kidding.

Time Out

I almost never blog about personal stuff. This space has traditionally been used for random, irreverent and (hopefully) entertaining musings about pop culture and general geekery about comic books or indie music. After this normal business shall be resumed I promise. Because frankly, normal business is what I need.

I’m a sociable guy but I’m not what anyone would call an open person. I’m not the type to share my feelings openly is what I mean to say. I guess therapists would call me repressed. Over the years I’ve learnt to brush off or hide any pain or emotion with rapid-fire sarcasm and a general I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. It’s come to a point where I rely on snarky humor too much when dealing with issues. It’s probably not healthy but you know, it’s how I deal. I have a laundry-list of fucked up shit that I’ve just ignored and deflected because I put up a shield all the time. Some people can see how fake I am with the mask I put on and some people just think I’m an unfeeling asshole. But whatever, I don’t really care.

My point is that I’m sad all the time. I’m depressed 99% of my life. And because I don’t like to whine, I don’t want people to worry and because I just refuse to acknowledge my shit, I don’t do anything about it. I’d sooner listen to other people’s problems and help them out than help myself. All this has been going fine until the past week or so. For lack of a better term, I’ve been emo. And it all came a head 3 days ago. Its as if I could feel my life going to crash and burn soon.

My dad passed away on Monday. Those of you who know me knows that our relationship was contentious at best. I won’t bother to rehash the past now but there were things I’ve been unable to forgive him for. The things I’ve made public and joked about in the past just scratched the surface. I’ve never really told anyone the full extent of what went on and it’s safe to say I never will now. The thing is despite all the wrongs my father has done, he was a good man. He never meant any harm and was never fueled by ill-intentions. He just made foolish mistakes that in truth, anyone of us could have made. When he was released from prison last year, he tried to reconcile and make peace with me. In fact, he tried to from prison even, writing letters regularly, seeking forgiveness. I tried. I really did. But subconsciously I was cold to him. I saw him and for the most part we were cordial, but I never really did accept him back. Now it’s too late.

The week before my father passed, I was furious with him. I remember wishing terrible things, wishing he wasn’t around to interfere with my life. I didn’t mean it. I never meant it. But still even thinking those things, makes me a horrible person. Now its too late to take any of it back. I thought he was trying to control my life when all he really was, was concerned. I thought, “Who are you to dictate what I do now when you were never around when I needed you.” Yeah I was a self-righteous little asshole. He showed me care and concern the last week of his life and I insulted his intentions. I should have forgiven him and accepted him instead of being wrapped up in my own indignation. I know he knows that I love him, but I’m regretful I never took the time to express it. Again, its too late now.

People tell me to not blame myself, but how could I not? I am at fault. There’s nothing I can do to change things now. There was a point in time on Monday that I was so consumed by guilt and grief that I wanted to jump off a ledge. I just felt like dying. I’ve never thought that before. That feeling of totally being unable to go on. Then I realised, here I go being selfish again. I need to think of my mom and of my sweet half-siblings. I need to stop being wrapped up in my own depression and actually do something tangible to help. I need to stay strong for my mom and I’m going to try to get to know my half-siblings better. I know my dad would’ve wanted that.

So here I am trying to get back to normal. Trying to maybe do something to make up for my mistakes. Trying to have faith. Wish me luck.

And now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Let's do the Monster Mash(up)!

Last April, Quirk Books published an amusingly titled comedy novel called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to much critical acclaim and internet buzz. Being late to the party as usual, I just got around to reading the book last night. I say this in no uncertain terms, this is by far the funniest, most delightfully absurd thing I’ve ever read. Following the success of this brilliant little parody novel, more monsterizations of classic tales have been commisioned by Quirk Books including “Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters” which is accompanied by a hilarious book trailer. Seriously, if you do not laugh at that, I kinda question your sense of humor. Author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Seth Grahame-Smith, is also working on a fictional biography of Abraham Lincoln called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Yeah you read that right.