Time Out
I almost never blog about personal stuff. This space has traditionally been used for random, irreverent and (hopefully) entertaining musings about pop culture and general geekery about comic books or indie music. After this normal business shall be resumed I promise. Because frankly, normal business is what I need.
I’m a sociable guy but I’m not what anyone would call an open person. I’m not the type to share my feelings openly is what I mean to say. I guess therapists would call me repressed. Over the years I’ve learnt to brush off or hide any pain or emotion with rapid-fire sarcasm and a general I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. It’s come to a point where I rely on snarky humor too much when dealing with issues. It’s probably not healthy but you know, it’s how I deal. I have a laundry-list of fucked up shit that I’ve just ignored and deflected because I put up a shield all the time. Some people can see how fake I am with the mask I put on and some people just think I’m an unfeeling asshole. But whatever, I don’t really care.
My point is that I’m sad all the time. I’m depressed 99% of my life. And because I don’t like to whine, I don’t want people to worry and because I just refuse to acknowledge my shit, I don’t do anything about it. I’d sooner listen to other people’s problems and help them out than help myself. All this has been going fine until the past week or so. For lack of a better term, I’ve been emo. And it all came a head 3 days ago. Its as if I could feel my life going to crash and burn soon.
My dad passed away on Monday. Those of you who know me knows that our relationship was contentious at best. I won’t bother to rehash the past now but there were things I’ve been unable to forgive him for. The things I’ve made public and joked about in the past just scratched the surface. I’ve never really told anyone the full extent of what went on and it’s safe to say I never will now. The thing is despite all the wrongs my father has done, he was a good man. He never meant any harm and was never fueled by ill-intentions. He just made foolish mistakes that in truth, anyone of us could have made. When he was released from prison last year, he tried to reconcile and make peace with me. In fact, he tried to from prison even, writing letters regularly, seeking forgiveness. I tried. I really did. But subconsciously I was cold to him. I saw him and for the most part we were cordial, but I never really did accept him back. Now it’s too late.
The week before my father passed, I was furious with him. I remember wishing terrible things, wishing he wasn’t around to interfere with my life. I didn’t mean it. I never meant it. But still even thinking those things, makes me a horrible person. Now its too late to take any of it back. I thought he was trying to control my life when all he really was, was concerned. I thought, “Who are you to dictate what I do now when you were never around when I needed you.” Yeah I was a self-righteous little asshole. He showed me care and concern the last week of his life and I insulted his intentions. I should have forgiven him and accepted him instead of being wrapped up in my own indignation. I know he knows that I love him, but I’m regretful I never took the time to express it. Again, its too late now.
People tell me to not blame myself, but how could I not? I am at fault. There’s nothing I can do to change things now. There was a point in time on Monday that I was so consumed by guilt and grief that I wanted to jump off a ledge. I just felt like dying. I’ve never thought that before. That feeling of totally being unable to go on. Then I realised, here I go being selfish again. I need to think of my mom and of my sweet half-siblings. I need to stop being wrapped up in my own depression and actually do something tangible to help. I need to stay strong for my mom and I’m going to try to get to know my half-siblings better. I know my dad would’ve wanted that.
So here I am trying to get back to normal. Trying to maybe do something to make up for my mistakes. Trying to have faith. Wish me luck.
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
